BLOG POST #17
-
BLOG POST #17 -
The MUPA Guide To Meeting New People Meaningfully!
Scott Zhou
….on to the guide!
Perhaps the biggest factor in bridging the gap between classifying someone as an acquaintance or a friend is how close you feel to each other. In the context of middle and high school, most people found this pretty easy. You go to class, make some small talk, go home. Then the next day, you go back in again, and spend about another 8 hours with mostly the same people, then go home. Then again and again and again. It’s a bit grim, but if you were locked in jail, you’d probably get close with people pretty quickly too. Well, if you don’t drop the soap that is. In university, things change. With classes being diverse, so many students per subject, it’s pretty rare that you coincidentally end up with the same people on a consistent enough basis to become good friends.
So how can you make friends in this environment?
Instead, how can you reach that high school level of intimacy with people that you're only forced to see 1-2 times a week?
Transparency. What I mean by that is, show people straight away the type of person you are and more importantly, talk and interact with new people you meet in class, the same way you would a close friend. I don’t mean you have to tell them your deepest darkest secrets straight away, but just assume they are going to be friendly and receptive to what you want to share, and give them the energy and enthusiasm that you would if you were already close. Maybe you can wait a week or two, if you’re not the type to be bubbly straight away, but it’s important you try to talk about things beyond socially acceptable small talk - A funny story that happened to a friend, a terrible restaurant experience, anything at all really. Essentially skipping the vetting period of a friendship where you test out what type of person someone is, and how receptive they are to becoming friends with you.
Why is that?
According to the works of Knapp and Harwood (1977), there are six factors which are key to forming friendships, initial attraction, personableness, proximity, attitudinal similarity, intimate accessibility, and reciprocal candor. By immediately showing our ‘true’ personality, and not the one we reserve for coworkers and acquaintances, we are advertising how intimately accessible we are to the person we are talking to, and they immediately know how similar in attitude we are, and if we are a personable person. Personally, I think everyone is also a bit scared of judgment, of ‘doing too much’ and coming across as desperate or ‘extra’. Ever sat with anyone, sharing awkward small talk, but also knowing that you’d be great friends if you just opened up, and wished you could skip to the good part?
However it’s important to understand in university, not everyone is looking to make new friends. One of the most difficult parts about transitioning from high school to university is that everyone finds themselves in a different stage of life. When it comes to friends, it seems as if everyone’s either already got their preset friend groups, knows everyone, or isn’t looking for friends.
So, who should you approach?
I’m a strong believer that in order to make new friends, you need room in your life. If you think about it, when you met most of your close friends, you’ll realise there was a gap in their life that needed to be filled with new friends. Usually if someone is extremely busy, and/or already has an extremely fulfilling circle of friends, it’s gonna be hard for them to make time to get close with someone new. In order to be close to someone, look and listen for the opportunity.
Look for those other people in the room, furtively glancing around, scanning and analyzing who might make a good friend, who seems like a cool person. Listen to who they talk about, and how they talk about them. I’ve found people who’ve moved interstate or from overseas recently to always be open to friendships, as well as people who’ve had bad experiences/split from their old friends to be optimal candidates to form new friendships with. There’s no downside to talking with someone, getting signs they aren’t open to making new friends, and moving on.
Then how do you get closer?
Don’t be scared to seem overeager. Unlike the male urinal situation, it’s not that weird to sit directly next to someone when there’s still seats available in your tute. To make friends, you have to show the other person that you genuinely do like them, even if it looks irrational. People may find it weird for you to be so comfortable around them, but the good ones will warm up to it, and that’s who you want as friends!
Again, this is just my experience, but I did come into University as an introverted 20 year old first year, without a single friend in my course, and I can happily say in the most humble way possible, I’ve been lucky enough to develop a myriad of fulfilling friendships in just under a year. Pretty much, show your personality, initiate meet ups, recognise when someone has room for friendship and don’t be scared to make the first move (Damn, sounds an awful lot like dating advice). But I hope this short guide provided some insight, and will be useful to some of you guys at least.
So cheers to everyone for reading, and here's to discovering great companions in your futures!
It’s been fun,
Your MUPA Education Officer,
Scott
