Attachment Styles

Imagine Linh’s parents sending her heart-felt letters containing the most endearing words that they could ever write. The process all went right except the fact that they sent them to the wrong address in a long period of time without recognising (typical parents typa thing!!). Linh ended up not once receiving what needed to be received and never responded. Meanwhile, her parents were so upset because they never received any response from their child, despite pouring their heart into writing the letters. 

How does this story link to Attachment Theory, one might ask. Many of us find it difficult to maintain relationships. It’s not that we suck at building flourishing ones, but the reason might be because we have always been giving out love in the way that the other person cannot feel it. Understanding which attachment style you and your close ones are helps us drastically adjust to fulfil our needs for connections. 

Attachment Theory was first introduced way back in the 50s, yet to this day is still a relevant study in developmental psychology and family relationship research. 

I’ve seen my groups of friends meticulously gathering together to do the Attachment Style Test. We are not simply curious about the result and which attachment style we belong to, but also curious about which elements of the past, from our nature and nurture process that shaped how we behave in the current relationships. 

Here is a quick summary of 4 Types of Attachments: 

1. Secure attachment: Generally, people with secure attachment can easily communicate what they are thinking and feeling. They often feel comfortable to share their vulnerability to others, which grows intimacy and development of mutual trusts

2. Anxious attachment (or preoccupied): underlying the person’s fear of being abandoned by their loved ones. People feel anxious as the result of inconsistent parenting (e.g. Sometimes the caregivers show the child their support, but this support is not consistently present. This confused the child and left them in a place of not feeling enough love and supports)

3. Avoidant attachment (or dismissive): seen in people who are generally hyper-independent and self-reliant. They usually fear intimacy and displaying their vulnerabilities to others. This pattern develops as the child’s needs for closeness have been constantly denied by the caregivers. They eventually learned to survive without relying on the connections that they once craved. 

4. Disorganised attachment (fearful-avoidant): characterised by both anxious and avoidant attachment. This style of attachment develops as the results of childhood trauma or abuse. Instead of feeling protected by their caregivers, they often feel a sense of threat and fear. 

In this sense, would the parents, or the caregivers be the ones to be responsible for their children’s insecure patterns?

Personally, I root for “No” as the answer, just because it’s easy to fall down the rabbit hole of constantly blaming each other for how life does not turn out the way we want. As my Asian parents always say “Parents of course want the best for their children”. However, the quality of caregivers-child’s relationship is highly dependent on what the parents give and whether the child is able to feel what has been given. Linking back to the story of Linh and her parents at the beginning of the blog, which highlights that frustrations might come when that “best” does not fit into what the child needs. 

The purpose of this theory is not to make anyone feel guilty or ashamed about belonging to a particular category. Considering the fact that Attachment Theory is firstly a “Theory”, we should definitely take the perspectives with a pinch of salt and only see the results from the quiz as a guiding source. 

We are here to learn from the past’s experiences and constantly improve the way we love and show compassion towards each other. Importantly in that process, communication is key to a wholesome and flourishing relationship, in which individuals get to share about their ways of receiving and showing love.